Kelly KleinCriticism. Wouldn’t life be easier without it? Unfortunately we can’t get around it. If you want to do anything in life, you will have critics.
I knew from a very young age I was a writer. I was always ahead of my peers in reading. Because I read a lot, I went through many books. I became frustrated with the novels I read. I loved losing myself in a good romance story, but when I came to the end, I often found myself throwing the book across the room. I rarely felt satisfied with the ending. I always thought I could write better than that, given the chance. So my dream of becoming a romance author began.
I wrote story after story, but never shared them with others. I wanted to live in my own fantasy world. I wasn’t ready to let others in.
Fast forward to high school, after having written (but not published) many short stories. I was eventually going to write novels. In grade 12, I had an appointment with my guidance counsellor. She was a nice woman. I truly liked her as a person.
I sat in a chair, facing her desk, as she asked me what I wanted to do after graduation. It was so she could perhaps direct me to take the right steps towards my goals. My face beamed when I told her I wanted to be a writer. It’s all I ever wanted to be – I couldn’t imagine being in another profession. There was no Plan B. I was going to be a writer.
There was a long pause before she spoke. We sat staring at each other for a long moment.
She cleared her throat, buying herself another moment before she shattered my dreams.
“Um…what else are you interested in?”
“Nothing. I want to write.”
“You can’t.”
“I can’t? Why not?” I asked, trying not to get defensive.
Your grades are below average. You could never get into university.”
(On a side note, you do NOT need fancy degrees to become a writer in any field).
She said I could never get into the local journalism school as a C-average student. I tried to explain I didn’t want to be a journalist. Do all writers seriously want to work for newspapers? Not this one!
She told me over and over I couldn’t be a writer. I think she was conditioned to get people to go to post-secondary institutions, rather than come up with a plan for each individual student to match their goals. She may have been following an outdated system that expects all students to follow the same path.
She advised me to give up on my dream of writing. Since I wanted to be a writer, she correctly assumed I love to read. So she said I would do well in the library technician program at community college (that’s a step below librarian, I guess). I enjoyed being a library assistant, but I couldn’t see myself doing it as a career.
My heart broke that day. She watched as my dreams shattered, then swept up the broken pieces, throwing them into the garbage can.
Dejected, I took the library tech option, applied, got in, and went for four months. I didn’t do well and left.
For twenty years after that, no matter how much encouragement I received, I couldn’t forget my guidance counselor’s words. I still wrote almost every day, but rarely shared my work. It has taken a lot to push through that criticism of yesteryear. It took many years of writing, before I finally stopped letting her words stop me from achieving my dreams. I had a moment of self-realization. Instead of retreating, I could have dealt with her criticism differently. I could have proven her wrong my writing anyway (and sharing my work).
I have received other bits of criticism over the years, but nothing as hurtful as that which my guidance counsellor said. Here are some other criticisms:
- You’ll never be able to make a living as a writer
- It’s not a real profession
- What would people think?
- Why would you want to write, out of all things you could be?
- No one reads books anymore!
- Why not be something more respectable?
- What a waste of a life!
I learned to rise above criticism after losing sight of my dream for a while. It wasn’t easy, but I know if you take the same steps I did, you’ll be able to get over any criticism you’ve received…in any area of your life.
If you are facing criticism, especially from someone you admire and respect, here are a few tips:
1. Know Your Why. Spend some time in self-reflection to discover why you want your dream. If you focus on your specific why, it makes it easier to deal with the critics.
2. Find a Mentor. Find someone who has success in the field you are pursuing. They can help you gain perspective and give you the tools to move forward despite the criticism.
3. Limit Your Time with Negative People. You are the average of all the people you regularly spend time with. Find people who are positive and will be able to help lift you up when you face the negativity. Hang out with people moving forward in their lives who can be encouragement when you need it. Be sure to return the favour!
4. It’s Your Life. Remember that you are the one who lives your life. You do what’s in your heart, and don’t worry about what other people think. Keep working towards your dream. Eventually, your success will prove the critics wrong.
5. Work Towards Your Goal. Spend time every day working towards your goal, no matter how small. Even the smallest step is a step in the right direction. If you are steadily working towards your goal, you have no time to listen to the critics.
6. Opportunity. Instead of allowing the criticism to bring you down, use it as an opportunity to grow and become someone that can achieve that dream. No one is born successful.
7. Focus. Focus on your goal, and leave everything else behind.
8. Discuss. If the other person is willing, discuss why they are criticising you. Somewhere in their criticism, there might actually be something constructive…or at least you will gain a little understanding. Maybe it would give you a chance to educate them. Maybe it would give you a chance to improve yourself in areas where you may be weak.
9. Mirroring. It is possible the critic is mirroring their own issues. They may have given up on their dream, and so they don’t want anyone else achieving theirs. This could be conscious or subconscious.
10. Focus. Focus on what you’re going to, not what you’re going through. Know that you’ll get there in the end.
11. Don’t let one person control your life. When I realized that was exactly what I was doing – letting her control my writing career – I finally got over it. She probably doesn’t remember me. She might even be dead.
12. Put together a warm fuzzy binder. That’s like a scrapbook, only with words of encouragement from people you know. What they say to you, comments on your posts, or anything like that, whether it’s related to your career or any other area of your life. You can also include photos of special people or places or animals’ or keepsakes, or anything that has special meaning to you. The book or binder gives you something to flip through when all the criticism is getting you down. It reminds you that there are people who love you and believe in you.
13. Ignore them. Sometimes, all you have to do – or all you CAN do is ignore them.
14. Prove them wrong. Turn criticism into energy. The best revenge is to prove you can do it, no matter what they say. You may just have to work harder, but don’t let them have that power over you.
15. Truth. Before rejecting the criticism outright, ask yourself is there any truth to what they’re saying? Why is it triggering you? Is it something you can improve upon? Maybe they know something that you don’t, and you could take that into account, to try to make yourself better. My guidance counsellor outright told me I couldn’t do it because of my grades. I could improve my grades, but other than that, there really wasn’t anything I could learn from her criticism.
16. Criticism never helps anyone. It doesn’t help to have that kind of negativity in your life, but it also doesn’t help the person spewing the negativity. They could probably find better uses of their energy…possibly working towards their own dream.
Critics never know what they’re talking about. I recently watched an amazing romantic movie that the critics hated. I normally hate movies they like and vice versa. So…why would I believe what any critic says about anything? We all have our own opinions, and I don’t want to let critics determine what I do with my life, what I write about, or how I feel about myself.
A quote that I like to keep in mind: It’s for who it’s for.
Nothing is for everyone. But there is someone out there who it IS for. That goes for everything you do. We can’t expect everyone to like us.
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, criticize.
They don’t erect statues or give awards to the critics. Critics don’t have fans. The critics try to tell us what to like or dislike. Don’t listen to them. Think for yourself. And that includes how you feel about yourself and what you do.
I still can’t believe I let one person control my writing career. Don’t let that happen to you!
How do you fight criticism? Let me know in the comments! If you like what you see and you want more on romance, writing, and changing your life, be sure to sign up for my newsletter for more content like this! Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
