Kelly KleinI. Introduction
Someone once told me:
Everything you thought was drowning you actually taught you how to swim.
What a profound thought.
How do you learn to be strong if you don’t go through obstacles and adversities?
I was in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. I found it difficult to move forward, set goals, achieve goals, and just work towards a better life…all because I was being treated poorly, which caused me to feel bad about myself.
BUT
I learned a number of lessons in that experience, and I realized I was learning to tread water during that time.
I learned how to have compassion and empathy for other people.
I learned how to deal with certain situations.
I learned how to stand up for myself.
I learned how to solve problems.
I learned how to raise a child (the ex did very little as a parent).
I learned how to survive.
As you can see, I may not have realized it at the time, but when I finally left, I had more tools than when I started.
II. The Drowning Phase
I spent a lot of my life drowning…but I was 20,000 leagues under the sea during that relationship. I was treated like I wasn’t a person, and that I only existed for what I could do for him. I was a homemaker and didn’t get out much, so very much isolated from the outside world. I believe if the person who was supposed to love me treated me this way, then I was unlovable. I believed I deserved it.
I had goals. I had big dreams. But because I hated myself, I found it hard to pursue anything beyond a clean house and well-behaved child.
I was overwhelmed with keeping the house clean, homeschooling our son, parenting our son, and doing every mundane task the ex wanted me to do. I had a hard time coping because I felt so alone. I didn’t really have any friends, and I didn’t speak to my family much. The rare times I hung out with people, it was met with resentment, so I only rarely did it.
You may not have the same obstacles, but I know you are dealing with your own troubles. Anxiety, self-doubt, trauma, depression, limiting beliefs, or a particular thing holding you back. We all have something.
It is important to show yourself compassion. Acknowledge your emotions during difficult times. Know that you’re human. You’re allowed to feel upset, or angry, or sad.
It’s easy to let the bad times get you down. Do yourself a huge favour and reframe any negative self-talk. Instead of saying, “I am so stupid,” say “OK, I made a mistake. What can I learn from this?”
It’s easier said than done, but once you’re in the habit, it will come naturally.
Once you learn to reframe your negative self-talk, learn to foster a growth mindset. Believe in yourself, believe in your abilities and skills, believe in a brighter future. Believing is half the battle.
Through it all, you should build a support network of friends and family. Add a therapist if needed. Your friends can be there for you, but they probably don’t have the training to help you through the worst.
III. Learning to Swim
So how do you learn to swim? Basically:
Make small goals.
Take small steps.
Have small victories.
It really is that simple.
Don’t tell yourself you’ll make a six-figure income this year. That may be too lofty a goal if you’re only making 30,000$. It’s also vague. However, you can focus on raising your income by 500$ per month. It might mean adding a few extra hours to your schedule by picking up shifts if you work in a job, or doing an extra project if you’re a freelancer. It could mean starting a side hustle cleaning houses and having a client per week. It’s a small goal which involves small steps and will come with a small victory.
There will always be challenges. Don’t see them as challenges, but rather as opportunities for growth. You learned how not to do something, or you learned how to solve a problem. You learned how to deal with something. You became stronger for it.
Whenever you go through something, you’re learning to swim. Keep that in mind, and nothing can stop you!
IV. Personal Story
When I left my ex, I had to learn to get back on my feet. I lived with family for a little over a year, and was doing horribly at moving forward. My self-esteem was irreparably damaged. I didn’t have the confidence to do what it took to be my own person, live my own life, and move forward on my own terms.
The first step to getting anywhere in the small town I was now living in, I had to get my driver’s licence. I held my learner’s permit off and on for 20 years, and failed 6 road tests. My brother took me out often to practice. He was there during my frustrations of learned to reverse into a parking space. The big day of the road test came and I felt ready. I took it, and all the hard work paid off. I had people in my past tell me I could never get my licence because of my personality. But I did it! (And now I reverse park like a pro!)
And I never looked back.
The freedom was indescribable.
Unfortunately, I was still having a hard time moving forward in other areas of my life.
So I ran back to the ex, thinking he changed.
He didn’t.
Something happened that ended up with me living in a women’s shelter.
I had no safety blanket anymore. On that first day, I sat in the common room, sitting on the couch, hugging my legs. I was staring off into space. I didn’t know where I was, who I was, or what to do. I was numb. I was stunned. The carpet had been pulled out from under me. The world as I knew it was over.
After two days of this, I blinked and somehow reality took over. I got to work. I applied for many jobs and landed one interview. The staff at the shelter were happily surprised that I did that so quickly. I surprised myself. But I guess when you have no choice, you do what you have to do.
I still felt horrible about myself as a person. One of my shelter mates was constantly playing a song that became our theme song. It was Perfect by P!nk. In it, she says despite making bad decisions and being mistreated etc, you’re still worth it. You’re still perfect. I still shed a tear when I hear this song.
This song has helped me through the rough times of living in a shelter and getting back on my feet.
So I did get the job, if you’re wondering. Not my dream job, but it was the next step in moving forward. I am still there, working towards the next thing. There are obstacles along the way, but I am learning and growing and becoming stronger.
The lessons I learned help me to face what the future has in store for me. As I go through one thing, it seems I get an even worse thing to go through. It’s like playing a video game, where you go through an easy level, then the next one is slightly harder. Each one is harder than the last. But your character gets stronger with each level.
You get stronger too.
I’m sure you have your own circumstances to get through that may or may not be similar to mine. Just see them as ways to grow and become a better person. We will never appreciate the rainbow if we don’t go through a rainstorm.
You can look in any field – the arts, sports, business – and learn from other people how they overcame adversity and obstacles. This is why I love reading biographies and especially autobiographies.
V. From Drowning to Swimming
Reflect on your own experiences and identify the lessons you learned along the way. No matter how old you are, I’m sure you learned something. Looking back, I’m sure you realize you got through the thing and are stronger for it.
It’s time to apply those lessons to your life and to your future obstacles!
One last thing I want to mention is that two people can go through the same scenario and end up having drastically different lives.
I was once told a story about two boys who were brothers. Their father was an abusive alcoholic. When the boys grew up and had families of their own, one said to himself that he was going to be the best dad he could to his kids. He wasn’t going to become like his father. He was going to learn from his past and how he was treated. The other man became just like his father because he didn’t think there was another way.
Two men. One past. Two very different outcomes.
You have a choice.
Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others.
Use this knowledge for your future obstacles.
Remember: The event you went through didn’t kill you.
It made you stronger.
VI. Conclusion
So you see, everything you thought was drowning you actually taught you how to swim.
There is value in learning from your mistakes, and reflecting on your past experiences, and identifying patterns…as long as you don’t dwell on the past.
I want to hear your own stories of overcoming adversity! Write me a comment! Go to passionatequill.com to sign up for my newsletter! I will be starting it up again within the month with some exclusive content! You also get a free ebook written by yours truly!
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
