A Blast from the Past

If you have followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I’ve experienced bullying in my youth.

I received a message from someone from my past. Someone I hadn’t thought of in years, but I remembered well. I didn’t want to think of her because we weren’t friends, to say the least.

I was in junior high when she picked on me with her group of friends because I was different. I know I was a bit odd, but I was always told to be myself. It made for a lonely childhood, because all the kids wanted to be carbon copies of each other. Marching to the beat of your own drummer was not allowed. But I digress.

In the message I received was an apology. I was floored. So many emotions ran through me. I flashbacked to the time I knew her; to times I tried to forget, and indeed thought I had.

No one instance of teasing, bullying, etc, stood out over the years. It all became a conglomeration of many instances by many people and it all affected me. As an adult, I have the tools to “get over it”…but as a teenager, I internalized it. I let it affect me. I fell into depression, it affected my relationships, and my social anxiety got even worse.

I wasn’t going to tell her this. She felt bad enough already. She even complimented my writing because she recently came across it. I believe she was being genuine. So I sent her a thank you and forgiveness, and my day went better just because of that short note.

Just when I think the people who picked on me don’t even remember my name, I get this message. Some people do learn their lessons as they grow as a person.

In the back of my mind, I think about this one person. She has a different last name than I remember, so I assume she’s married. While I was in a toxic relationship, allowing myself to be treated poorly because I feel I don’t deserve better, she is in a relationship, seems happy, and doing well.

Yet I let her and everyone else back then dictate how I should feel about myself. So I felt like I couldn’t have the life I still dream of.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY TO SOMEONE BECAUSE IT COULD AFFECT THEM IN WAYS YOU MAY NEVER UNDERSTAND. PLEASE BE KIND.

That said, I hold no animosity towards this person. Forgiveness doesn’t involve grudges. It took strength, courage, and maturity to take the high road and apologize for past mistakes. I haven’t seen her in a long time, but I do hope she learns from the past and is a better person because of it.

I realized something today. The bullying may not affect me as much as I thought. Sure, it affected me back then. I thought that because so many people hated me, there must be something wrong with me. So I hated me. And that put me on the wrong path of my life. As a child, and even as a teenager, I couldn’t fight the negativity.

Now, as an adult, I have the power to change my life. It may be more difficult because of the emotional baggage, but I know better now than as a kid. So despite what happened to me in my youth, I am empowered to turn my life around.

It’s easy to be angry, thinking how bullies picked on me, and made me hate myself…affecting how I lived in my life. It’s easy to be angry seeing bullies live good lives because they were never picked on…that I ever saw.

What is difficult is learning to control my own reactions. It doesn’t excuse the behaviour of others, but I can control my own actions, not those of other people.

Being angry solves nothing. The only way to truly move on is to forgive…whether they apologize or not. You will find that most of your childhood bullies are either very sorry, or they forgot your name and who you are. Holding a grudge only hurts you.

People in your past may not have seen how wonderful you are with all your quirks and oddities. That’s their loss. Everyone is worthwhile. That includes YOU.

May your life be passionate!

PS. The photos are of me in Grade 3 (I was actually pretty then?), when I moved to a small community close to the big city, and before the bullying began, to Grade 7 (why did I cut my hair?), junior high, when I had endured several years of bullying and still had many years to go (unfortunately, while the bullying started to taper off in high school, I still encountered the odd bully even in adulthood).