Kelly KleinThis will be my last post for a while, so I hope it will be read. Sorry for the length. I need to take a break from social media, and get a handle on everything that I’m dealing with. It has become quite overwhelming, and I don’t know what direction I should move because I haven’t been able to get back on my feet in the last ten months…as hard as I’ve worked. I have some blog posts that I’ve written up that I may continue posting on Mondays until they are all posted. Otherwise, I think I’ll disappear for a bit.
So anyways…
Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope that you experience a day filled with love!
In lieu of my regular blog post, in honour of today being Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write about my thoughts on this day. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I swear it will be more good than bad. But to get to the good, I have to go through the bad.
It’s always been a depressing day for me. My main goal in life was to find the right man for me. I’ve always wanted to be an author, but that was my number 2 goal in life. After the romance.
The problem was that despite having lots of crushes over the years in school, not one of them was reciprocal (and believe me, most of them knew about my interest in them). I wanted so much to be someone’s valentine. Year after year, I was never chosen. I was never considered a “catch”. I was never flirted with or catcalled. I was never asked to dance. I started to accept that I would be alone forever, admiring guys from afar.
For the most part, I was cool with that. That was just how my life was.
But…
Valentine’s Day became a day to remind me of how alone I really was. When I finally experienced a relationship for the first time at age 26, the day didn’t change for me. He didn’t think it important, so association, it couldn’t be important to me. It was just another day. I tried to ignore the posts online of the gifts and date nights other people experienced. You’ve heard of triggers? You’ve heard of people being triggered because of posts discussing violence, bullying, etc…but have you heard of being triggered by happiness? That was me. I would see women gushing over how their men were SO romantic. I know love should be shown 365 days a year, but when I NEVER got that romance, I felt I wasn’t worth it.
Now that I’m out of a relationship, it’s been even harder. As many problems as the relationship had, we still had good times, and he still has his merits. I could have been a better person in the relationship, so I can’t blame him entirely on the break up. I give permission to people to treat me a certain way because of how I treat myself. I need to work on my mindset and how I feel about myself, but I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe this is just the way it’s meant to be. What are the odds that I could find someone who would love me? I know I’m not easy to live with…I’m not easy to love.
I don’t say this to be all “woe is me”…but that I have a self-awareness that there are many things I need to work on. I always knew I had problems…years of psychiatrists in my youth wouldn’t let me forget that. Perhaps knowing is only half the battle. I have to make a conscience effort to change myself. I thought I was working on it, but I guess not hard enough, because there’s nothing to show for it.
So take a break I must and re-evaluate my place in life. Where I’ve been, where I am, where I’m going…
Passionate Quill will still be around. I haven’t given up that dream. I may take a new direction…who knows what tomorrow will bring?
So, in honour of Valentine’s Day, since I don’t have a man to spend it with, I’m cultivating a love for myself. It’ll be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. With all the bullying and teasing I have endured in the past, it’s hard to like me when others didn’t. The only way I can ever hope to be loved by anyone, is to learn to love myself. Otherwise I will spend my life feeling unloved. I won’t be able to make friends, or find that special man. I will be alone.
I am going to spend the day being kind to myself. If you are single, I hope you are kind to yourself. If you have someone, show love to them every day. Don’t take them for granted because not everyone has someone.
I have to take a step back to see where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. Something has to change, and I have to instigate that change. I feel like I’m getting nowhere, but I also have 42 years of past to let go and move on from. I can’t let the past define me. I don’t know where to begin. Sometimes I feel like it’s too late…but I can’t believe that. I can’t believe this is all there is to life. I can’t believe I have dreams for nothing. I can’t believe I don’t have a purpose. I can’t believe I can’t get over my problems and have the life I’ve always dreamed of. I believe all these things for other people. I KNOW anyone can get there if they do the work and enhance the person they already are. So I have to believe this about myself.
So what is in my future? What is in Passionate Quill’s future? I don’t know what my direction will be…yet. I have to figure it out and keep consistently moving towards it. My personal goals are to gain some social skills, get my licence (road test scheduled for an undisclosed time this month!), take dance classes as a social outlet doing something I enjoy, get in better shape, and keep writing. My business goals include putting out a non-fiction book (almost done!), a set of motivational stickers (also almost done!), and a fiction romance trilogy (again, almost done, almost ready for pro-editing!). I hope to make an income so that I may be independent again.
So, in conclusion, it’s hard not to feel disillusioned and turned off of romance and love. It’s hard to believe real love exists. It’s hard not to believe I’m one of the people who are meant to be alone. Before I moved, there was an elderly woman who lived across the street. She is in her 90s and never married. She’s fiercely independent and does everything herself including fixing her fence, painting her house, and keeping her house spotless. I don’t know if she chose to be alone or if she never found someone to share her life with. I hope she chose this life, but it’s not what I want for myself.
So today I’m embarking on the one thing that would help all other areas of my life. That is the journey of self-love. I will only surround myself with things that will help with that. That includes only being around positive people.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day and thanks for reading! You are awesome, no matter who you are! I believe in you! Shoot for those stars! And may your life be passionate!
