Kelly KleinFor sixteen years, I was ensnared in a web of emotional turmoil, trapped in a relationship that slowly suffocated my soul. The memories still linger – the icy stare that could freeze my heart, the cutting words that left me shattered, the desperate hope that tomorrow would bring a glimmer of the love I craved. I clung to the promise of a future where his eyes would warm, his words would soothe, and his love would be the safe haven I yearned for. But the days turned into years, and the years turned into a never-ending cycle of pain and longing.
Why did I stay?
Besides hoping things would turn better, I also thought I couldn’t do better. I should have been happy I was in a relationship when all my life I believed no man would ever love me. I blamed myself for the way I was treated, and figured the next guy would treat me the same way. I saw myself as the potential common denominator. I didn’t want to go into the unknown only to find myself back where I started. Believe it or not, I was comfortable, especially since I didn’t have to work. I could stay home and take care of our son, and read when I wanted to, or go enjoy nature when I wanted to. I had the time to do anything I wanted, like work towards my dreams…I just didn’t have the confidence to do so.
But at what cost?
The cost was not feeling lovable. Feeling worthless. Feeling like I only existed to cater to his needs while mine went unmet. Feeling like I couldn’t do anything right. Not having the confidence to stand up for myself, or even work towards a better life.
I left my relationship in April of 2021, when things came to a head. I couldn’t take it anymore and my eyes were opened.
However, I was slowly waking up prior to leaving.
I keep a journal (I did since I was 10, now I’m 46), and here’s what I wrote in March 19, 2021:
“I have no choice. I won’t be able to find another relationship. I’m lucky to have this one. This is the best I’ll ever be able to have. As I sat in front of my computer, the glow of the screen illuminating my face, Google’s words echoed in my mind: “You can choose who you want to be and what you want to have in your life.” Google asked me if I like who I am and do I like who I am becoming. I had to make the choice that was right for me. I also had a son to worry about. Did I want him growing up in a household where this is how the man treats his partner? Even though I accepted the mistreatment, I didn’t want him growing up thinking this is how you treat people. I didn’t want him thinking this was OK.”
Here’s what I wrote on May 15, 2021:
“Some days are harder than others. This is one of those days. A little over a month ago I left my old life behind. What have I done? I deserved it – everything he gave me. I don’t deserve true love. Who could ever love me? I am unlovable and undesirable. Who could ever see the world in my eyes? I am a fuddy-duddy. I don’t know how to have fun. I’m ugly. I’m bad at adulting. I’m going to be single forever. No one will ever love me. Leaving him created all this hassle that I don’t need in my life. I was comfortable there, with him. At least he didn’t drop me for all the things I’m not. I can’t do this on my own. He was all I had. Now I have no one. I’ll be alone forever. Why would anyone love a person like me? I’m shy. Guys only like extroverts. I can’t be better. I thought being an adult would be different than when I was a kid. It’s just more of the same. No one will ever love me. I will never know real love. I may as well go back to him.”
Shortly thereafter, I wrote this:
“It is so hard not to go back to what I’m used to. I know it’s for the best, but there are some things I miss. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster. Yet things are going well for my son and me. His writing has improved greatly and is no longer a chore. He’s playing guitar better and practicing more. He had to leave aikido but still practices his moves often. We’ve been getting out and exploring our new corner of the province and eating healthier. I’m no longer walking on eggshells. I’m happier and writing more. Nature is all around me. I can breathe. There are no sirens or houses close together. I can be myself. But I am alone. I know I have family and friends beside me, but I worry that no one will fall in love with me. Before I can even think of that, I know I have inner work to do – build my confidence and self-esteem, get my licence, learn to cook, have my books bring me an income, and say goodbye to my depression and social anxiety for good. I feel old for finding an eventual relationship…but then my grandmother remarried in her 70s-ish to a man who had never married yet, who was around her age. So there’s hope for me? Or am I getting ahead of myself? I don’t know if I have what it takes to be an independent woman. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m willing to find out for myself, regardless of what I’ve been told in the past.”
August 29, 2021:
“My complicated feelings. I wonder if I’ll ever meet the right man without being an extrovert. I feel like I will always be seen as weaker and to be taken advantage of because of my introversion. Everyone tells me to be myself, but look at who that attracted. People are quick to pat me on the back for leaving a bad situation, but they negate the feelings I am feeling. I should be happy single as long as I am out; but I have feelings of sadness. Everyone my age has someone. No man loves me. So I’m just supposed to accept that? No one understands the complicated feelings I have. I want to have someone love me. I never had anyone. Ever. My ex never loved me. I have never experienced love. I feel like it’s something not available to me. It’s hard not to feel sad. I think about my only relationship. Sure, he didn’t treat me well, but he took care of my basic needs. He isn’t completely a bad person. Everyone seems to see things in black and white, when our situation is so much more complicated than that. I am going through a grieving process. There are things I miss. It’s a whole new world now. Everything is different now. I’m way out of my comfort zone. I wish at least one person out there could understand. Leaving wasn’t easy, and it was always the money that held me back from leaving. They say to just do it. But no one offered me a place to escape to. No one gave me money. No one helped me out…until my brother and sister-in-law moved back to Nova Scotia. No one else was there when I needed it. They helped me more than they’ll ever know, in more ways than one. Everyone else was all talk and pressure…but no one wanted to help me. I felt alone. No one understood there was more to this relationship than emotional and mental abuse. There was the money, the transportation, the fact I hadn’t worked in over a decade, assets in both our names, all my things, the love I still feel, my dependence, my confidence (or lack thereof), my anxiety and depression, my fears, my fears of being alone forever…and the list goes on and on and on. There’s more to it than meets the eye. Most people think they know how they would handle the situation…but they don’t know if they never experienced. It’s like having a child, as opposed to babysitting It’s not the same at all. I hung on to the relationship this long because I thought I was doing what’s right, and what’s best. So I was wrong…but I am learning to not let others treat me with less than the respect I deserve. I am on a journey of learning from my mistakes and moving forward. I hope I’ll get there someday. But for now, the journey continues…”
These journal entries give you an insight into what I was going through the first few months after my escape.
I stayed with my brother for a year and a half, trying to move forward, but failing miserably. My time there was coming to an end, but I had nowhere to go. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and my depression was at an all-time high.
I somehow managed to finally get my driver’s licence, and with it, achieved freedom. My brother was generous with the use of his vehicle, and I got out often. While out, I started talking to my ex on the phone. Knowing people would be angry with me if they knew, I kept it a secret.
Long story even longer, we got close again. Having no place to go, I moved in with him again. I told no one. When asked, I said I was living in a women’s shelter. For a few weeks, it was great; like old times. I should clarify that. It was like the old good times. When we weren’t fighting, and when he wasn’t making me feel bad about myself or treating me like a slave.
Then the fight happened. I won’t go into details publicly, but it ended up with a neighbor intervening, a call to the police, and me moving into a women’s shelter.
Emotionally numb. That’s the only way I can describe it. I woke up the next day not knowing where I was, who I was, what happened. No, I wasn’t suffering from amnesia. I felt like I had just woken from a dream, where the details were fuzzy.
Here I was, after the rug was pulled from under me, the life I had been living irrevocably changed. I was hurt emotionally, left with a broken heart, and had everything taken away from me. The thing is, I didn’t DO anything. Yet, I am the one being punished.
Did I cause it somehow? I ran through my head all the ways I could have behaved differently. If I could have done everything he wanted me to…if I said all the right things…if I forgot about myself and only thought of him…if I could have only been better…if I could have been someone else…
What if?
I came to the conclusion that it was my fault. That I somehow deserved it. All of it.
These are some of the thoughts victims of emotional abuse have to grapple with.
I allowed myself one day of rest. I didn’t do anything except sit on the couch in the shelter’s common room, staring out the window. I allowed my preteen son to immerse himself in his videos for the day. I knew I would have to talk to him about what happened sooner or later. For now, we were just content to…rest.
Then I got to work. Literally. I surprised myself and everyone at the shelter by getting a job within three days of living there. It was in retail, a field I never wanted to enter, but it was something; my second step to independence (the first being my licence).
Reasons Why I Stayed for So Long and Eventually Went Back
- I had no licence, no job, no way to support myself and my son
- I believed no one else would ever love me, especially since when I was younger, I didn’t believe I would find someone – this guy was better than no guy
- I didn’t have the belief in myself that I could do something more with my life
- I felt alone and that no one understood me
- I thought no one would believe me and that I would be made out to be the bad guy
- The thought of leaving was overwhelming
- I had nowhere to go
The Healing Process
I am on a lifelong journey of healing. If a woman leaves an abusive relationship, healing takes a long time.
I had to learn to deal with:
- Trauma
- Depression
- Poor self-esteem
- Overwhelm
- Picking up the pieces
- Learning independence after being sheltered by the ex for so long
- Emotional pain – this was and still is the hardest thing to deal with
Seeking Understanding
I know a lot of people don’t understand what I’ve been through. I’ve been told I should get over it and move forward. Now that I’m out of the situation, I should be able to heal instantly.
It doesn’t work that way.
Going through an emotionally abusive situation has given me a large amount of empathy.
I don’t take things personally as I once have. I imagine that hurting people hurt people, meaning that we all have a story that affects us, which may cause us to act a certain way. I am always giving the benefit of the doubt to others. I am less judgmental. I don’t live their life, and they don’t live mine. We’ve had different experiences and face different life lessons.
And I think that’s the most important thing I took from my experiences.
If I can be kind to one person when they’re having a bad day…
If I can smile at one person who was an emotional punching bag that morning…
If I can teach one person from my experiences…
If I can help just one person to feel good about themselves…
Then it would all have been worth it.
Thanks for reading my story.
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
PS. One day, I may disclose some of the actual incidents of emotional abuse, but it’s too soon for me. Wait for my memoir, I’m sure it’ll be a juicy read!
#memoirinthemaking
#allapartofthejourney
#storyofmylife
