Carrying Weights for Years

It’s funny how we can carry things for years. A weight can push down our shoulders until we can’t hold our heads up to face the world. Every little blunder I can’t forget. It still is a great embarrassment many years later, even if other people forgot about it. I cringe at how I was as a child and how it led to my isolation, lack of friends, and not taking risks today. In short, I am the cause of my low self-esteem and lack of social skills.

I spent my life never conforming to society, or being like everyone else. I prided myself on being different…even though it seemed to lead to a lonely life because no one could relate to me.

I longed for friends. In elementary school, I lived next door to a girl I sometimes played with…when she wanted to play. When I wanted to play, I would passively wait in our shared side yard, hoping she’d come outside. She never did. I couldn’t bring myself to simply knock on her door. I am embarrassed about the long waits. Another weight I carry, instead of a friendship.

I was on a field trip, also in elementary school. A girl in my class invited me to sit with her on the bus. I didn’t. I thought perhaps she didn’t mean it, or perhaps it was because the invitation didn’t happen as we got on, but much earlier. I was also too nervous. Another weight I carry, instead of a friendship.

I was in community college for three months. Another student invited me to sit with her. I did. One time. I went back to my old seat the next day. She told me it wasn’t a one-time deal; that I could sit there every day. The next day after that, I was back in my old seat. Another weight I carry, instead of a friendship.

I noticed a pattern in my life. I didn’t think myself worthy to have friends, so I didn’t initiate. I didn’t go up to others – I waited for them to come to me. Eventually, they stopped coming.

In junior high, I wanted so desperately to be liked, that I picked on another girl. Someone who tried to be my friend. In bullying her, I got the wrong kind of attention from other kids. They egged me on. Having been bullied a large amount of my young life, it was a big switch for me. It was a case of the bullied becoming the bully. I regret it all…and I never had the chance to apologize. I hope I haven’t caused her any lasting pain. Yet another weight I carry, instead of a friend.

I never realized it until now, that there is evidence that people tried to be my friend. Now, as an adult, they’ve all given up. I guess I don’t blame them. But it gives me certain clarity in my life. I can change things, now that I know. I can’t change the past, but I’d like to correct my actions.

I look back and realize I could have had some great friendships, but they never happened because I didn’t believe anyone would want to be my friend.

The lesson is to let things go because it’s in the past. I’ve been carrying all this with me for years. The best I can do is just move on, armed with this knowledge and awareness, and start recognizing when people want to be my friend, and possibly even take the first step, instead of waiting for people to come to me.

I also realized that when opportunities present themselves, I shouldn’t second guess my worthiness. I should take it for what it is: a great opportunity. How will I know what lies around the next corner if I don’t at least take a peek? That is the only way I will ever know where it could lead.

My biggest obstacle is my shyness. I have to learn how to not let fear stop me from doing what I want to do.

The last thing I need to do is forgive myself for the mistakes I made and learn from them. It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to move on.

Here are some steps to help you let go of the weights you’ve been carrying for years:

1. Forgive yourself. This could be the biggest step you take. If you forgive yourself, then you will have no reason to dwell on it anymore. You can then let it go.
2. If possible, talk to the person or people involved. Chances are, they may forget that particular event, and you’ve been dwelling on it for no reason all these years.
3. If you can’t talk to the person, write a letter. Don’t mail it, but just get all your thoughts and feelings on the situation down on paper.
4. Depending on the situation, therapy may be appropriate. A therapist is an objective third-party and can help you to put things into perspective.
5. Journal about the situation or write a blog post. Share the story with others. If you share publically, I advise doing that with caution. Change details like names, and make it very general. You can see how to do this by re-reading the earlier part of this article.
6. Realize you’ve done the best you could with the resources you had. If it happened when you were a child, realize you were only a child. Children often don’t know how to deal with some situations appropriately. Now is your time to grow from the experience and deal with it appropriately now.
7. Don’t let fear stop you from doing what you want to do. This is perhaps the most important piece of advice I could ever give to anyone. If you don’t push through your fears, you won’t be able to enjoy your life. You’ll turn out like I was for the longest time – hiding from the world in my home, with only my son and ex-boyfriend (not my ex at the time) as company.

Do you have a weight you’ve been carrying for years? Tell me your story in the comments; I’d love to hear it! Be awesome and may your life be passionate!