Kelly KleinGaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It is a manipulative tactic used to control or influence someone by distorting their perception of reality, making them doubt their own experiences, memories, perception, or sanity.
The term originates from the 1944 movie Gaslight. The story revolves around Paula Alquist, a woman who marries Gregory Anton after her aunt was murdered. They move into her aunt’s home and strange things start to happen. Gaslights dim, pictures disappear, and Paula hears footsteps. This was all perpetrated by Gregory. His other tactics included denying previous conversations, blaming her for his actions, and minimizing or trivializing his behaviour.
Gregory basically manipulates Paula into believing she’s going insane, making her question her own memory, perceptions, and sanity. His intentions were to institutionalize Paul so he could have the house to himself in order to find valuables hidden somewhere therein.
Long story even longer, eventually she is validated when an inspector confirms he noticed the gaslights flickering, therefore proving she wasn’t really crazy.
You may not have an inspector to validate you, but there is a way to escape gaslighting. You or someone you care about may be going through it. Having experienced it myself, I have some tips that helped me.
Recognizing Gaslighting
1. Denial of previous conversations, especially agreements. The abuser denies previous conversations, making the victim question their own memory.
2. Blaming the victim. The abuser shifts the blame onto the victim, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s behaviour.
3. Minimizing or trivializing. The abuser downplays the severity of their behaviour or its impact on the victim.
4. Projection. The abuser accuses the victim of behaving in the same way that the abuser is actually behaving.
Effects of Gaslighting
1. Loss of confidence. Victims may start to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity.
2. Anxiety and stress. Gaslighting can lead to increased anxiety, stress, and feelings of uncertainty.
3. Isolation. Victims may become isolated from friends, family, or other sources of support.
How to Get Out of a Gaslighting Situation
1. Recognize that abuse. Recognize the manipulation and acknowledge that it exists.
2. Validate your feelings. Trust your instincts and validate your feelings, rather than doubting yourself.
3. Seek support. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals. Friends and family can provide emotional support and validation. A therapist can help you navigate the situation. A support group can show you you’re not alone, and provide support from others who understand firsthand what you are going through.
4. Create distance. Establish clear boundaries with the abuser to limit their influence. As you distance yourself, the control the abuser has over you will reduce.
5. Document incidents. Keep a record of gaslighting, including dates, times, and details of what happened. Keep evidence of the abuse, such as messages, emails, or witness statements.
6. Develop a safety plan, including a safe place to stay, financial resources, and a support network. Keep emergency resources, such as a hotline or support service, readily available.
7. Prioritize self-care, including activities that promote emotional wellbeing and stress reduction.
8. Consider joining a support group for survivors of emotional abuse.
9. When it is safe to do so, leave the relationship. It is possible the abuser will change, but unfortunately the odds are slim. Let him work on changing himself while you’re out of the situation. Have enough self-respect to take yourself away from where you’re being treated poorly. Let him prove to you he’s changed. And even then, be weary and sure that it’s what is best for you.
Getting out of a gaslighting situation requires careful planning, support, and prioritization of one’s safety and well-being.
My Personal Story
A few years ago I got out of a 16-year relationship. He treated me one way behind closed doors, but put on a show for the outside world. He often told me things, made promises, and then later denied he said anything.
I would remember something happen vividly. I’ve always been good at recalling events that happened, because I keep a journal, AND I replay certain things over and over in my head. I trusted my memory. So when he denied certain things happened, I began to second guess myself.
I stopped trusting my own mind. That’s a scary place to be. He could tell me anything and I would automatically believe him. I was under his control.
I was to blame for my faulty mind. I was to blame for everything that happened in our relationship and between us. His anger was my fault. His bad day at work was my fault. No matter what happened in our lives, somehow it was my fault. He had convinced me I was 100% of the problem. And he also tried to convince me that things didn’t happen the way I remembered.
My perceptions were so skewed that it got to the point where I doubted myself. I didn’t know what was real.
I finally realized I don’t deserve this and had the courage to leave. To start over. It took one moment in time. One event. One realization.
And I broke free.
It took leaving the relationship to realize I was a victim of gaslighting. I had to step out and do a lot of soul searching. My eyes were opened to the emotional abuse I endured the entire time.
It was scary…but the idea of staying with him was even scarier.
I often felt like I should go back. I was way outside of my comfort zone. I started to wonder if I was indeed a victim of gaslighting, or I was actually crazy. That’s how ingrained it was in my head. I didn’t know if there was a line or where that line was.
When you’ve been in a situation for so long, you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.
If you weren’t there, you wouldn’t understand completely.
Conclusion
So I hope my tips and personal story help you if you’re in that situation. If you’re not, then you can understand people who may be there. You can see someone being abused, but they may not know it. Just be there for them. That’s what an abused woman needs most of all.
Side note: I realize men can be abused too, but I can’t write from that point of view, being a woman who was emotionally abused by a man. I only speak from my perspective, since that’s where my experience lies. I hope you understand.
Thank you for reading. Remember to subscribe to my newsletter for more articles on living your best life.
I have more abuse articles you may be interested in:
- If You Leave Abuse… – What really happens the second you step outside that door.
- Reasons Why a Woman Would Stay in an Abusive Relationship – Have you ever wondered why a woman would stay when it’s in her best interest to go?
- The Escape: Learning to Start Over – How I finally learned to start over after a toxic relationship.
- Breaking Free: My Journey Through Emotional Abuse – My journey.
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
