Kelly KleinEveryone has a past that we know nothing about. We don’t know what they’re trying to push through; what obstacles that held them back. This is why we should all be kind and understanding to each other.
This article is about my biggest battle…maybe it was yours. I was affected by the bullies of yesteryear most of my life.
I moved from a town to the big city when I was eight years old. I was shy and had difficulty making friends. That, and being the new kid on the block, made me a prime target for bullies.
I had to endure being teased, called names, and having my long hair pulled…until I had it all chopped off for a few years. Everything I said or did was something to be made fun of. Between school and home was where I was pushed, had ice balls thrown at my face, and punched in the stomach. All this time I kept asking myself,
“What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?”
This is when my depression began. I felt stupid and ugly. I believed I couldn’t do anything right. I felt worthless. Sometimes I didn’t want to live anymore; I just wanted the pain to stop. I genuinely hated myself. And the worst part is, the bullies probably don’t even remember my name.
In junior high, things seemed to get a little better. Three local elementary schools fed into the junior high, so there were new kids who didn’t know who I was.
There was one girl who was as unpopular as I was. She befriended me, and as outgoing as she was, I couldn’t understand why people didn’t like her.
Meanwhile, I kept getting picked on and laughed at. It was less physical, but just as hurtful. I was tired of it.
The girl who befriended me and only ever was nice to me, became the target of my hurt. And thus the bullied became the bully. It was one of my biggest regrets. Unfortunately she moved away before I came to this realization. I never talked to her again. I wish there was a way I could let her know how truly sorry I am for all the pain I caused when she just wanted my friendship. I hope she isn’t dealing with the feelings of loneliness, depression, and unworthiness that I felt over the years. She didn’t deserve it, and I hope she’s stronger than I was. I hope she hasn’t been affected by my bullying, because I couldn’t live with myself if that was the case. I’m not that person anymore.
Even though I have no way to apologize, I have changed my actions moving forward.
It also makes me wonder. Do my bullies ever think of the pain they inflicted on me, both physically and emotionally? Or do they not even remember my name? Are they apologetic? Maybe like me, they wish they could reach out. Maybe they changed to lead a wonderful life and are better people. Maybe they don’t realize what they did. Maybe they are hurting inside.
I am in my 40s – it’s been years since I was bullied. It has taken many years to rise above it. It is my hope that I can help you do the same.
It wasn’t easy. I spent most of my adult life thinking I couldn’t do anything right – everything I did was a disaster. I felt worthless. I felt like a waste of flesh. I felt unlovable. It’s not a great place to be in.
People don’t know the power they have using just their words. We’ve all heard the rhyme,
“Sticks and stones
May break our bones
But words will never hurt me.”
The rhyme is wrong. Words do indeed hurt. Words affect a person more than you ever understand. Words change a whole life…for good or for bad. Choose to lift people up, instead of bring them down.
So, do you want the shortcut to rising above your past? I hate to break it to you, but there is no shortcut. I can give you tips, but you will have to do the work. Believe me, it won’t be easy, and you will still battle feelings of inadequacy (I still do sometimes!), but I know you can do it. How do I know? Because I did it.
Here are some steps I recommend and things to keep in mind:
- Realize you can’t change the past. You also couldn’t control what other people thought of you or did to you. You can, however, use it to shape your actions in the future. Don’t be a bully to another person. Choose kindness.
- Find “your people”. If someone treats you badly, or did in your past, remember that in a world of seven billion people, there will be someone somewhere who will want you in their life.
- Most bullies probably don’t remember you. Don’t allow them to live rent-free in your head.
- If you became a bully yourself, change your actions moving forward. If you can, apologize to the people you’ve hurt.
- Remember that hurting people hurt people. Knowing this doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it lends some perspective. If they didn’t have some major stuff happening in their life, then they wouldn’t be a bully.
- Bullies don’t know how to treat others. Just because they are mean doesn’t mean you deserve it. It doesn’t mean you’re not a worthy human being.
- Bullies often treat others poorly to make themselves look bigger. They prey on who they see as weak. If they can make you feel like crap, it makes them feel better than the person in comparison.
- Don’t let them have control over you. Don’t let them control how you feel about yourself. They don’t know everything. Who are they that they can make you feel bad? Do they have the authority, or are they an expert?
- Bullies don’t know your story. They may pick on you because you seem odd, but they don’t know why you are the way you are. I never told anyone a lot of what I was dealing with. I’m not saying you should tell everyone what is going on, but know that people don’t know what’s happening, and so lack a certain understanding. Although, in my experience, they didn’t seem to want to understand.
- Prove them wrong. Remember the biggest revenge is success. Don’t let them get you down. Show them you can be successful despite how they treated you.
- Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Forgive the bullies, even if they haven’t shown remorse. Holding grudges is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die.
- Love yourself. I know it’s not easy. I still sometimes battle with my own worth.
It took a long time for me to get over the bullying of the past. I can’t change the past; all I can do is learn from my mistakes and become a better person. I’m not that fearful, weak person anymore. I can’t go back to change things, but I can move forward.
You can move forward. It’s not easy, but you can do it. I believe in you.
Remember this:
Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone else’s inability to see your worth.
May your life be passionate!
