Kelly KleinI. Introduction
This is going to be the most personal article in my holiday series.
The snowflakes gently fell onto the quiet streets, casting a serene silence over the town. It was a Christmas Eve like any other, yet it was a time when I felt the weight of my existence most profoundly. We’ve all seen It’s a Wonderful life, the classic Christmas movie about a man who thinks the world would be better off without him. I knew that feeling all too well. He contemplates suicide, thinking it wouldn’t matter if he were still on the planet. His guardian angel shows him what the world would have been like had he not existed. Long story even longer, he realizes in the end that he did some good and his life had a point.
II. My Story: Feeling Invisible and Unwanted
For years, I felt like a ghost drifting through life, unseen and unheard. I was a mere spectator, watching as the world whirled by without me. The feeling of being invisible and unwanted was a crushing weight that threatened to consume me whole. I felt like I was just taking up space, that my existence was a mere inconvenience to those around me. The darkness closed in around me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone’s life would be better without me.
I thought maybe I didn’t bring anything to anyone’s life, and that everyone’s life would be better had I not existed in the first place. I felt like all I contributed was the bad things.
I thought I didn’t add value to anyone’s life. I was lonely, sad, and depressed. I felt like no one understood anything I was going through. I felt like no one cared about me…and no one would care if I died today. Life would keep on going, and like Eleanor Rigby, no one would attend my funeral.
If I didn’t exist, maybe my parents wouldn’t have a child they would be disappointed in. Maybe my ex wouldn’t have had a woman trigger him and send him over the edge. Maybe the people in my life would have had better lives. These thoughts caused my mind to spiral downward. My mental health was horribly affected by it. I couldn’t find proof that I had a purpose and that I brought anything to anyone.
III. Hitting Rock Bottom: Suicidal Thoughts and Depression
My thoughts became a toxic spiral, dragging me down into the depths of despair. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of hopelessness, unable to find a lifeline to cling to. The pain was suffocating, making it hard to breathe. I struggled to find meaning in my life, to discover a purpose that would make my existence worthwhile. But every door I opened led to more questions, more doubts, and more fears.
My thoughts caused my life to go further downhill. What I focused on was all the bad things in my life, and my constant thinking brought more of the same.
Thinking this way affected my relationships and daily life. I had a hard time getting anywhere. I had jobs where I tried to work hard, but thinking I didn’t make a difference, my work ethic plummeted. I struggled with suicidal thoughts. I grew up with basically no true friends. There were a few people who were nice to me over the years, but I didn’t have a best friend I spent a lot of time with. I fought hard with all my siblings. I did poorly in school. As an adult, I was judged harshly by many people, all saying I’m making the wrong decisions. Who can argue with a majority?
IV. Turning Point: Realizing My Value and Purpose
It wasn’t a dramatic epiphany, but rather a gentle whisper in the darkness. I always had a dream to write romance novels, since I was as young as eight years old. I hated how many authors ended their stories. I wanted to control the story, and thus a love for writing was born.
As I got older, I realized I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. Yet, I still wanted to write romance novels. How were works of fiction going to help someone, besides entertain them for a couple hours?
I realized that I had a passion, a love for writing, that could be used to help others. I could write stories that would inspire women to be the heroines of their own lives, to stand up for themselves, and to never settle for less than they deserve.
Then ideas began to flow, and I felt a sense of purpose that I had never felt before. Along with my novels, I could also write non-fiction books and blog posts to give practical advice to women to help them live their best life.
I was no longer just a ghost drifting through life; I was a woman with a mission.
So Passionate Quill entered into existence. I realized I have a purpose. I can help others. If I didn’t exist, then there would be someone out there who didn’t benefit from my words. I don’t know who I can help, but I don’t know if they will get the help they need if I don’t exist. Maybe it’s just my words that resonate with them. I know for myself, some blogs I relate to, and others don’t help me at all. We’re all different, and have different needs.
Since Passionate Quill’s inception, I have received thanks from people who have been inspired by my words, and that means the world to me. I am able to help people, which is ultimately my biggest goal in life.
While I still have a job to pay the bills, it is not my purpose, nor is it my passion. My ultimate goal is to help people live their best life. And how can I do that if I end mine?
My perspective and outlook on life has changed. I have long since forgotten about my suicidal thoughts, and no longer wonder if things would be better without my existence. I have stopped caring what other people think, and stopped basing my worth on other people’s opinions. And that has made all the difference.
V. Lessons Learned and Messages of Hope
I’ve learned that we all have a reason for being, that our existence is not a mere coincidence. We all bring value to others, even if we don’t realize it. We all need help from others, and we all have good inside us. And most importantly, we are all better than our circumstances.
I tell you all this because we all have hope. We all have purpose. The world would be worse without you. You have touched the lives of others. Someone hears a song that reminds them of you. Someone smiles over a piece of advice you gave them that completely turned their life around. The elderly lady you carried groceries for remembers you fondly. The child you played catch with remembers someone who spent time with them. The woman you paid bus fare for because they couldn’t find their ticket remembers how you helped her get home to her family on a cold winter night. All these are little things, but they helped someone. They changed a person’s life. It was what they needed at that time. You don’t know what impact your actions have on another person’s life.
VI. Conclusion
Your life has value and purpose. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise. If you’re struggling with feelings of invisibility, suicidal thoughts, or depression, please know that you’re not alone. Reach out to a loved one, a mental health professional, or a support hotline. Even in the darkest moments, there is always hope, and there’s always a way forward.
Wherever you are in life, know that there’s always tomorrow. You don’t know how you can help another person in the future. Without you here on the planet, that person may not have benefitted from your help. Your existence can positively impact others we may not even realize.
Everyone’s life has value and purpose.
I’m pulling for you. You got this!
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
