Reasons Why a Woman Would Stay in an Abusive Relationship

If you’ve never been abused, you may not understand why on earth a person would stay where they’re treated badly. I hope this article will help you to see things from her perspective.

I realize that abuse happens by women as well, but it is much more common for men to be the perpetrator. Also, I am a woman, so I write from a woman’s point of view.

Before I get into the reasons someone might stay, let me first go over the different types of abuse:

Physical – hitting, kicking, pulling hair, slapping

Emotional – calling names, putting a person down, making them feel low, feelings always come with conditions, blame

Psychological / Mental – gaslighting (making them feel like they’re crazy), making them feel dumb, putting them down to build themselves up

Sexual – rape, demanding sex or sexual favours and if it’s not given there are consequences

So here are the reasons a woman may stay in her relationship:

She feels alone.
She may not have the financial resources to survive on her own. She may have been a homemaker for several years. He may have had control of the finances and she has no money available to her.
They have no one offering up room at their house temporarily. Having nowhere to go is scary because she feels like she has no choice, despite people urging her to leave.
There’s no room at the local women’s shelters, or if there is, she doesn’t know what to do with her things or any pets she has. Also, shelters don’t let you stay for long – could she get back on her feet in the month or two they allow her to stay?
She’s too dependent on him. She doesn’t think she can survive on her own.
Leaving would be too overwhelming. There’s so much she would have to figure out…especially if she doesn’t have an income source or family to turn to for help. She may not even know where to start or how to go about leaving. It’s a big step.
She has a poor self-esteem. She doesn’t think she could do any better because she doesn’t think she deserves better.
If she doesn’t have an income, she could never qualify for rent or a mortgage. Even if she got a job tomorrow, she would need to have it for a certain amount of time before she would even be considered for either.
She’s staying for the kids. She’s worried she might be accused of kidnapping if she just leaves with them.
She’s worried no one will believe her when she says she was abused because there’s no physical evidence. And if there’s no physical evidence, then it must not really be abuse and that it could be worse.
If she leaves, what will happen to her possessions? She probably doesn’t have a place to store them, and so they’re at the mercy of her abuser. She could be left with nothing.
She doesn’t want to lose any of their mutual friends.
She’s worried that she will be made out to be the bad guy. She should have stayed and tried harder to keep the relationship together. She’s afraid to be seen as the one at fault and her abuser is the innocent one. She may have no way to defend herself.
She blames herself for her abuser’s actions. Could she have done something differently? This was a big one for me. I knew I needed to be a better a person, and I believed that until I was that better person, I was undeserving of real love. I felt like I was always doing something to make him mad. If I stopped doing the thing, then he wouldn’t get so angry. Truth is, regardless of what I did, he could still control his own actions.

It may be frustrating when a friend or family member is in this situation and they won’t do anything about it. I was in a 16-year relationship, feeling like something was off about it. As I write this, I’ve been out for a couple years, but I still go through the above feelings. I still feel like I am undeserving of real love. I still blame myself for his actions. I won’t lie that it’s a difficult process to go through, leaving.

She doesn’t need your judgement. She needs your understanding. And if you can, help her out. She may think she has nowhere to turn. If you don’t have a place for her to stay, at least help her find something. Research options.

At the very least, be a listening ear. Someone in that situation needs a friend more than anything. You don’t have to be a trained psychiatrist to listen to her problems. Just knowing you’re there for her will mean the world to her.

Understand if she’s not ready to leave. Don’t give up on her…even if the relationship has been going on over a decade. She will leave when she’s ready. For now, she needs someone to be there for her as she navigates this road.

Be awesome and may your life be passionate!