Kelly KleinI spent 16 years in a toxic relationship. There are many reasons I stayed…the biggest of which was that I thought this was my one chance at love. I knew logically this wasn’t love, but I didn’t think better was available to me. I was the one no one was interested in. I had crushes in junior high and high school, and was interested in several men in my adult years…but always unrequited. When someone finally gave me a second glance, I was happy as a clam in a deep blue sea.
After years of believing I would only ever dream of romantic love, suddenly I had it! I knew from the beginning something was off, but I didn’t care. I was thankful to have someone to share my life with.
Fast forward through sixteen years…there were ups, there were downs (more downs than ups, if you ask me), a child was born, I spent time as a homemaker…I became isolated, existing only to serve him. He occasionally took me for a drive, or did something nice for me, to keep me on his side long enough for me to stay and accept the way I was treated.
So what made me finally leave?
I started thinking what if…
What if my life could be better?
What if I could meet someone else that would treat me better?
What if I could live my best life?
How would I ever know if I held myself back? Staying in an unhappy relationship was holding me back from the potential my life had.
Why did I let myself be held back? Because I lacked a good self-esteem. Yet staying was not helping my self-esteem. It was like a perpetual downward cycle. The only way to break it was to…leave.
So I did.
I packed up my son and myself and we left our old life behind.
I was terrified. I had no money, no income, not a lot of my things, and no plan. I lived with my brother and his wife for a year and a half. In that time, I sent my homeschooled son to public school, I got my driver’s licence (in my 40s!), and started a side hustle.
But my side hustle didn’t yield results…probably because I didn’t work hard enough on it. My time in the little rural community was limited and coming to a point where I should have been independent. I wasn’t quite there yet.
So I did what a lot of women who feel they have no choice do, and I went back. I went back to the life I knew. I went back to the demands, the put-downs, the servanthood. I went back to a prison.
The prison I was trapped in was of my own doing. It was the prison in my mind, where I felt trapped, unworthy, and alone.
Just a few weeks of being back in his grasp, something happened. And before I knew it, I was living in a women’s shelter. I woke up the next morning completely disoriented, not knowing where I was. I sat, staring off into space. I allowed myself a day of rest, to get over the emotional numbness I felt.
All I kept thinking was: Did I do something wrong to cause all this? Did I deserve it?
I realized that even if I did do something wrong, a person can control their behaviour, words, and actions. No one deserves it. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet I felt like I was being punished. I had to leave my life behind. I had to find a job, a place to live, and take care of our son. He didn’t have to do anything different. If anything, he had less to worry about, since his girlfriend and son were no longer living with him.
The next day was when it got real. I woke up again, but something was different. I had new resolve. New ambition. I was going to make this work if it was the last thing I did.
I made a list of goals and the action steps to work towards said goals.
I applied for tons of jobs. I arranged for my son to live with my sister because I couldn’t give him the life he deserved. I was judged hardcore on that decision, but I needed to make sure he was taken care of. It was the toughest decision I ever made because I wanted him with me. I couldn’t be selfish. So my sister offered so he could live a normal life while I got back on my feet. I am eternally grateful to her for taking care of him.
The jobs I applied to yielded one interview, and I was hired on the spot as a cashier, despite being a homemaker for 12 years. The shelter staff was surprised that I got a job so quickly.
Finding a home was harder because a single mother simply can’t afford a two-bedroom apartment. So I lived in the shelter for five months. I eventually got promoted in the job, then fell in love, and found a place to live closer to work (not with the new romantic interest), cutting my drive from an hour to 20 minutes (I kind of miss the commute because I love to drive!).
Things were starting to look up, until a few things got into my head. Negative thoughts. And I lost my promotion because of some silly mistakes I made.
Even as I worked on becoming independent, there were still some downs to go with the ups.
I was also learning what it’s like to be in a healthy relationship. I kept screwing things up, since I was still dealing with a lot of trauma from my past. I felt bad for my boyfriend, who had to deal with the fallout of my past relationship. He stood by me through it all, even when we had disagreements. And even when I doubted his feelings because of my self-esteem.
Today, I look back at the past three years and realized I’ve come a long way.
One of those three years, absolutely nothing happened in my life. I felt like I was stalled. So much so that everything that happened the year prior felt like that year. It’s like I’m missing a full year of my life.
I again worked hard towards a promotion, but took a different route than last time. This time I proved that I was good at making the stores look nice, so was promoted as a merchandiser who has little customer interaction. I found my niche in retail, even though it’s not my dream. I like doing it, but I’m still dreaming of more.
I still work on my business, my blog, and my writing. I do hope to one day walk away from my job, but not for a few years. This is all a part of my journey.
If you are facing a similar situation, here is some advice:
- Some won’t understand why you stayed so long; others won’t understand why you’re leaving a perfectly good life behind.
- You will feel alone, so it is important to build a support network.
- List your main goals along with action steps; you can work towards your dreams in a bad situation or after you leave a bad situation.
- Stay strong – you are stronger than you think you are; it just takes adversity to bring out your strength.
- It’s hard to leave an abusive situation because of the breadcrumbs – the hope that things will get better, or back to the way things were before – the tiny grains of seed he leaves in front of you that fosters that hope (like a kind word, a date night, or a gift)…my ex often took me for a car ride where we were laughing and joking, and I thought things would get better. It’s basically the little things that make you forget the abuse. There’s no yelling or being made to feel inferior, so you believe that person you fell in love with is still in there.
- Don’t blame yourself for him changing. I thought I did something that made him no longer treat me the way he once did. Research the Cycle of Abuse. He starts by lovebombing and being nice, but eventually it’s the opposite. You wonder if you did something wrong. Or, like me, you wonder if he got to know the real you and just fell out of love.
- The abuse isn’t your fault…no matter what you did. Even if you did something wrong, he can still control his behaviour; he can control his actions; he can control his words; he can control his temper.
This was one of the more personal blog posts I’ve written. I hope my story inspires you, or at least entertains you. If one person learns something from this post, then my work was worth it.
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Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
