Kelly KleinThis week’s blog post won’t be a long one. I spent 16 years in a relationship with a man who hasn’t once told me those three words all women want to hear:
I love you.
I told myself that words are just not his thing.
I told myself he loves me in his own way, even if he can’t say the words.
I told myself words aren’t everything.
I Googled: My boyfriend doesn’t tell me he loves me.
I was surprised with the results. I thought I would find some articles on how to be more lovable, how to inspire him to say the words, or anything I could do differently to make him tell me what I needed to hear.
I found articles telling me to accept it. If he hadn’t told me he loves me by now, then he never would.
Basically, I had to ignore my needs completely. I tried. I continued to do my best to cater to his needs, ignoring mine completely.
I couldn’t decide if he had a hard time with words, or if he didn’t love me. I mean, he said he had a difficult time saying words, but he had no problem saying negative ones. He couldn’t compliment me, or say he loves me, but he could tell me everything I did wrong. He could tell me that I needed to do more of this and less of that. He could tell me what I needed to change about myself.
I learned to believe my needs were less important.
Then I came across a book – The 5 Love languages, written by Dr. Gary Chapman. It opened my eyes. According to him, there are five ways we give and receive love.
- Words of affirmation – saying words, words have more meaning
- Quality time – spending time with other people
- Gifts – giving and receiving gifts
- Acts of service – doing things for others
- Physical touch – touch, but not just in the bedroom, also includes hugs, cuddles, etc
No love language is better than the others. In fact, a healthy relationship involves a little of each category.
We should always try to show love towards another person using their love language when possible.
My ex’s love language is acts of service…so as long as I was doing something for him, he was happy. He knew of the love languages, and he knew mine was words of affirmation.
Despite that knowledge, he never tried to speak my language. He just told me words aren’t his thing. I had to learn to be better at acts of service. It hurt that he wouldn’t even try.
When I was a kid, there was a popular playground rhyme: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. So many people used words to hurt me. I tried not to let them hurt, but I couldn’t deny the lasting emotional pain.
Fast forward to adulthood and the age of the Internet, and many a webpage stating that words aren’t as important as actions. I admit, words not backed up by actions are meaningless. However, that doesn’t make them unimportant.
And let me tell you, even if words aren’t your thing, tell your significant other that you love them. They will begin to doubt your feelings if you don’t vocalize them at least occasionally.
Sometimes it’s hard to place importance on words because words can be and often are lies. It can be hard to trust words. We have to trust the words until the actions warrant a change in the trust.
As a Words of Affirmation love languager, words impact me more than other people. Often people don’t understand that, as the rhyme suggests. It’s because most people are a different love language.
Words affect me. Positive words send me to the moon, and I replay them over in my mind and try to hold onto the positivity. Negative words send me to the depths of despair, and cause me to feel bad about myself. Because of this, I try to use positive words all the time.
Thank you for reading. I don’t know how many people actually read my words, but you are appreciated. I’ve always wanted to write, and I enjoy doing it every day. I love to share my words. This is the first level, and I’m working on the next level – publishing a novel. What’s taking me so darn long? It’s a process that a non-writer might not realize. The writing, self-editing, hiring the right pro editor and getting into their schedule (which could take months), going over the edits and making changes, ordering an ISBN, book formatting for paperback and ebook, writing the back blurb, hiring a graphic designer for the cover…It doesn’t happen overnight. Right now I’m in a pro editor’s schedule for late July, and so I wait.
I will get there.
I will make my dream come true before I die. Otherwise, what’s the point of life?
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
