The Parenting Cycle: Lessons Learned

*Please note, this has taken several weeks to write…not an easy piece to write…and ended up pretty long…I hope someone somewhere reads it… 🙂

Introduction

Parenting certainly has a way of putting things into perspective. You really have no idea until you experience it.

Today I’m going to talk about parenting cycles. What do I mean by parenting cycle?

The parenting cycle represents the interconnected and often unconscious ways in which our upbringing influences our own parenting style. As children, we learn from our caregivers, internalizing their values, behaviors, and attitudes. As we grow into parents ourselves, these learned patterns can resurface, shaping how we raise our own children.

This cycle can perpetuate both positive and negative patterns. For instance, a parent who experienced emotional support and validation as a child may be more likely to provide the same to their own child. Conversely, a parent who experienced neglect or harsh discipline may unintentionally repeat these patterns with their own child.

Recognizing and understanding the parenting cycle can be a powerful tool for personal growth and conscious parenting. By acknowledging the patterns we’ve inherited, we can begin to break free from negative cycles and intentionally create a more positive, loving environment for our children to thrive.

Also, perspective changes as we grow and move through different life phases. We think our parents don’t know what they’re talking about, until one day…boom! We become our parents.

Allow me to backtrack a little bit. I’m not going to lie. I always felt like a disappointment to my parents, like I wasn’t what they wanted me to be. I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. It wasn’t something they did or didn’t do. I just never did my best. I always fell short of any expectations anyone ever had of me. I don’t know if this caused my poor self-esteem or it was because of my poor self-esteem.

I know “always” is a strong word, but I can honestly say I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this way – from childhood, all the way to adulthood. Even today.

I often got a lot of “You should do this…why didn’t you do that?” from well-meaning parents. They’ve been on this journey longer, so do have more wisdom than me. I understand that. BUT they also don’t know the full story of everything I am going through, or all details of one situation. I could try to tell them everything, but even then they won’t have the whole story.

I will say that my experiences have taught me valuable lessons about parenting, unconditional love, and the importance of perspective.

So, now I will delve into how perspectives change over time as we move through life, and how we are on a never-ending parenting cycle.

Just a note: Even if you’re not a biological parent, you can still be on the cycle. If you adopted a child, fostered a child, mentored a child, taught a child, babysat a child, were a child…this article is for you too.

Childhood Perspectives

I wish I could have lived my childhood differently. I spent my youngest years not working hard or doing my best. I admit I half-assed my way through life. I didn’t do well in anything except reading and writing. I guess I thought I couldn’t do any better, so why bother?

It got to a point where I didn’t even know what my best was. It showed in everything I did. I had teachers say that I had potential but I didn’t apply myself.

I don’t know why I never applied myself. Maybe I didn’t care. Perhaps I was lazy. Or maybe I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t believe I had what it takes to go for my dreams or live my best life.

So I guess I brought this on myself. I knew because I wasn’t doing well in school or in life, I was disappointing my parents. And because I felt like I was a disappointment, my self-esteem and confidence suffered. I also felt frustrated because I didn’t think I could get any better.

I started to feel like my parents gave up on me. Maybe they had reason to give up on me. After all, I hadn’t shown them any proof that I could do anything worthwhile.

Adulthood Perspectives

Adulthood brings with it a new perspective. You start to understand where your parents were coming from, and perhaps they weren’t as bad as you thought. You are still your parents’ child, but the dynamic should be changing. It’s different being adult children

I just never did well in anything. I never strived for excellence. I had dreams, I worked a little towards them, but as I got older, I entered into low-level positions in customer service, and later became “just” a homemaker. It wasn’t exactly a career to be proud of…at least according to society.

While I was taking care of my son, there were small pockets of time I could have been working toward something meaningful. But being in a toxic relationship prevented me gaining the confidence to work towards something – anything – to better my life.

As a young adult, I made many mistakes. I wasn’t ready for this phase of my life, but my age dictated that I had to be. My lack of confidence caused me to not ready myself for life as an adult.

I wanted to become more independent, and I gradually did, still not living up to my potential or working hard enough towards my dreams.

In a child’s adult phase, their parents may still think they know what’s best. They were here on this planet longer, and have more experiences to draw wisdom from. But still, my experience is going to be different from theirs. Also, as well-meaning as they may be, the parent doesn’t know the full story and could never completely understand what is going on. They would never be able to know definitively what to do in a particular situation.

That said, they can certainly give advice…but they have to understand the advice may not be followed for whatever reason.

I haven’t reached this stage with my own child yet, but I hope I have learned from my experiences as a child…yet the cycle will probably continue.

As an adult, I am now working towards my dreams and being a success…but I have a long way to go. I have several siblings and they are all successful in their own right. They’re doing what they want to do with their life. A couple of them are business owners, a couple are teachers, and one has moved to another country and living out her dreams. I imagine my parents are proud of each of them…but then there’s me. I’m working in retail; a job that’s not right for me. I’m barely surviving. I don’t belong there, but it’s all my low-confidence self could get into.

I feel like a disappointment to my parents because I’m not a success like my other siblings, because I’m not happy, and because I’m not adulting as well as the others.

Parenthood Perspectives

Fast forward to my early 30s and I gave birth to a handsome baby boy. My world changed that day. And so did my perspective.

I didn’t have the worst childhood ever, but, like most parents, I wanted my child to have a better life. I wanted to give him that life. Of course, there’s only so much you can give them. Eventually you have to stand aside and watch them make their own mistakes.

I will never know the full story in my son’s life. I can just be there for him when he needs me and offer some wisdom, but I know that he has to make his own mistakes and live his own life.

I have come to understand my parents’ actions and decisions, even if they weren’t always the right choice at the time. They were doing their best with what information they had and what circumstances they were in.

I look at my son, who is 15 as I write this (16 in a few days!). Could I ever give up on him? I don’t think I could. I would only be disappointed if he did something illegal. Even then I would never completely give up on him. Ever. I guess this comes down to unconditional love and acceptance.

Perhaps my own parents feel/felt the same way about me. Maybe I might have disappointed them over the years, but perhaps they never truly gave up on me. Maybe I think I’m a disappointment when I’m not really.

I know I made some wrong choices, but I did the best I could with what I had. I didn’t know it all. I didn’t have the perspective of decades of learning and growth. I will get there someday. But I still won’t ever know it all. I will still make mistakes.

This all does make me wonder if that’s how my parents and stepparents feel about me and all my siblings. I never understood that possibility…until now. It takes a lot of experience, growth, learning life lessons, and soul searching to get to this point. All of that does help me to change my perspective on things.

The Parenting Cycle Continues

Of course, when we have our own children, we wish better for our children than what we had. It doesn’t matter how stellar our parents raised us; we always want better for our own.

However, we also make our own mistakes. Also, one thing I discovered was that we don’t realize how our children are perceiving us. We think we are showing them unconditional love, but they may not be perceiving it as such. It’s not always evident. It’s not what you do for your kids, it’s how they interpret what you do for them. Do they understand you love them unconditionally?

Do you know what it means to love someone unconditionally? Unconditional love means accepting my son and loving him regardless of his choices or accomplishments. It’s OK to encourage him to change and grow, but not into a new person…just helping him to enhance the person he already is.

I look back on my son’s life. I see all the mistakes I made over the years. Of course, I did a lot right, but that’s not what we remember most, is it? I wonder if my bad parenting ruined him. There are some areas he could improve in. I look back and wonder if there was something I did – or didn’t do – that impacted his life enough to cause this problem to exist. We should beat ourselves up with coulda shoulda woulda. I was in a toxic relationship while raising my son, but I still did the best I could despite that. I look at my son now, who happens to be taller than me, and I realized he didn’t turn out too bad.

Of course, it takes a village, and I wasn’t his only influence. He had the benefit of learning from many people along the way. I couldn’t have done it completely on my own. So, even if I messed up in one area, perhaps someone else filled the void.

Breaking the Cycle

First of all, I want you to know that cycles can be broken.

I am part of the never-ending parenting cycle. So are you. It is up to us to break or continue certain patterns. Nothing is cut and dry. There will always be some good things that we want to carry on, and other things that we want to let go.

We can break the cycle. We want our children to have a better life. We can do better than our parents were for us. Nothing against our parents -= for they did the best they could with the information they had at the time. You may have more information and you can learn from their mistakes.

We can only hope that as our own children get older, they grow and learn from their own mistakes. And at some point, you will have to stand aside and watch your kids make their own mistakes.

Eventually, you will have to let them go…as your parents before you.

I am personally working on breaking the cycle. My siblings all seem to be doing well at it. Now it’s my turn. I never did well in anything. I never strived for excellence. I have dreams, and I worked a little towards them, but never did well in my chosen field.

I spent my adulthood as fast food crew who knew all the positions, a call centre rep, a barista and coffee roaster, a homemaker, and finally, a cashier / merchandiser in an airport retail shop. None of them are to be proud of. I want a better life for my son.

How is he going to work for a better life for himself if I don’t become a good example?

I noticed he’s not doing well in his own life because of my influence. I will take full responsibility for it. I help him however I can, but I know I could be doing better.

Here’s how to break the cycle:

1. See the patterns in your life. Spend time in quiet reflection, writing all about your life and what is going right vs. what is going wrong. See where you can do better. See where you fall short. Look at what your parents did and didn’t do. Did you have blind spots that you’re only now seeing? Can you be more self-aware?
2. If you have a low confidence, put that aside for the sake of your children. Fake it ‘til you make it. In doing so, you will learn to be confident. And your children will see it.
3. Let go of excuses. I heard of a story of two brothers. They had a father who was an abusive alcoholic. One brother believed he had no choice but to turn into the same person his father was. The other brother chose to rise above and become the complete opposite. One used excuses not to be better. The other used reasons to be better. It’s all a choice.
4. Take small actions that help you move past the cycle. For example: Instead of telling your child you will help them with whatever later on, do it right away.
5. Change your mindset. Don’t believe you have to be exactly like your parents. Take the good, forget the rest.
6. Let your own childhood go. As soon as you understand the concept of the parenting cycle, you can let it go. How we were raised doesn’t have to have a bearing on where we are today and how we raise the next generation.

Here’s a great article I found on this topic: Repeating Cycles and How to Break Them.

Lessons Learned

1. Parents are not raising children. We are raising future adults.
2. Perspectives change over time, as we move through the different life phases.
3. Showing unconditional love is not always evident. It’s all in how the other person perceives it. And sometimes it manifests as tough love.
4. Most people don’t know better. They’re doing the best they can with the information they have. The key is to learn from the past and grow as we go.
5. No one knows the full story of a person’s life. Advice we give them may not make sense, but we don’t know that. My parents don’t know my full story, and I don’t know my son’s full story.
6. Take all advice with a grain of salt. Do what is suggested if it makes sense to us, and realize that everyone has the right to make their own decisions.
7. Do your best in everything you do, but continue to grow and become a better person.
8. At some point, we have to let go of our children. I do what I can for my son – he is not in the adult phase yet – and at his age, my raising him, teaching him, and influence is more important…but someday I will have to let him go.
9. I can understand my own parents a bit better.
10. Everyone has what it takes to become a success and to live their best life. If I don’t strive for my best, how is my son going to learn to strive for his best? Sure, kids have other influences in their lives, but it starts with their parents.
11. The cycle can be broken, and a new one began.
12. We can turn our lives around. If we don’t do it, our children will learn mediocrity from us. And they won’t do anything great with their lives. They will settle. We have to turn it around and make ourselves believe it, for our kids’ sake…and for our own sake.
13. As our perspectives change, we should also see things from other people’s perspectives. They may know a part of the story that is unknown to us.
14. Our experiences – good and bad – teach us valuable lessons.
15. Our parents often do know better, but they are fallible. They don’t know everything. They make mistakes.
16. We can benefit from learning from our parents’ mistakes.
17. I may have felt like a disappointment. I may even be a disappointment in reality. But I’ve come to learn that I can change my life if I’m not happy with it. I’ve learned to not change it for them, but to do it for me…and for the generation after me.
18. I try to help my son, but I know he has to make his own mistakes. But I am always there to help dust him off when he falls down.
19. I will never know the full story of my son’s life. I can just be there for him when he needs me and offer some wisdom, but I know that he has to make his own mistakes and live his own life.

Conclusion and Reflection

It’s the circle of life

And it moves us all

Through despair and hope

Through faith and love

‘Til we find our place

On the path unwinding

In the circle

The circle of life

~ Carmen Twillie and Lebo M (The Lion King)

It has been a long journey from birth to being a mother in my 40s. I was a child, a teenager, an adult, and a parent. All phases of life that involve growing into a new perspective. Maybe this growth has helped me to understand my parents and stepparents a little bit more.

I don’t blame my parents for how I turned out. I blame myself. Perhaps blame is the wrong word. I’m taking responsibility for how my life turned out. I refuse to dwell on the past. I can turn it around. I can become a better person. So can my son. So can you.

Take a moment to reflect on your childhood to present day. How has your perspective changed through the years?

Let me know your thoughts on this article. Comment below. I appreciate your comments and support.

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Be awesome and may your life be passionate!