Kelly Klein*Note: This was written in 2021
Today I want to share a personal story that I wrote about my life as I was coming out of a toxic relationship. I came a long way, but I don’t forget where I came from. I want you to know that I have been through rough times, as we all have. If you’re going through this kind of thing, know that you’re not alone, and that you’re not the only person who has ever gone through these experiences.
There are a few things I want in life. I want someone to want me enough to get down on one knee; who can’t see himself with anyone else. I want to be his dream. I want him to be my dream. It’s hard when I see everyone around me having their dreams come true. He doesn’t validate my needs or concerns; he just seems to brush it off as if they’re not important. He acts like it’s wrong to want and need what everyone else has.
I want to live away from the city, but that’s wrong. I want to hear “I love you,” but that’s wrong. I want to be treated nicely, but that’s wrong. I want to spend more time together, but that’s wrong. I want to be a team, but that’s wrong. I want to feel wanted, but that’s wrong.
Why are my wants wrong? They were always at odds with his wants. Further proof we weren’t suited for each other.
I felt less of a person when expressing my needs and wants to him. He made me feel like I’m wrong. He completely negated my feelings. How does he think it made me feel? Did he even care? I felt undeserving of…well, anything. Like I didn’t matter.
Everything he says, does, wants, and needs are all correct, according to his implications. Yet if mine are different than his, then I am automatically wrong. No one is right all the time. No one is always wrong. So why did he make me feel this way? Why did he always have to be superior to me? Did he realize what he was doing? Was he that evil or delusional?
What was so wrong with me that he treated me that way? Did I deserve it? I know I’m not the best person in the world, but am I really that bad?
Am I undeserving of good things? I don’t know. I was with him for sixteen years and had no prior relationship. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like. I don’t know if this is normal or just normal for those that deserve it (like me?).
I’m so confused. I don’t know if I’m that bad person or if I’ve been living with someone who treated me poorly for too long that I don’t know the difference.
I hope to one day experience a better life…after I become a better person. Obviously if I were better I wouldn’t have stayed this long in a relationship not meant for me.
Do you have a story to share? I’d love to hear it in the comments! Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
