Harsh Lessons

I have recently learned some harsh lessons in life that are perhaps not really the way they seem.

You see, I thought they were harsh lessons, but I was able to turn them around to make them promising lessons to take into a bright future.

If you want people to like you, you have to hide who you are.

The harsh lesson: Whenever I changed schools, or jobs, or where I lived, I would start fresh. No one knew me. People did want to let me in. They liked me. But then, something happened. They got to know the real me after time had passed, and suddenly they didn’t talk to me as much. They didn’t want to hang out with me as much. They stopped liking me as much.

I realized they didn’t like the real me. So I did my best to hide that part of me. Unfortunately, they always found out who I really was. In my current job, I was liked in the beginning. Everyone enjoyed working with me. Everyone liked talking with me. Nothing had changed, but they got to know me. Then I became less liked.

Story of my life.

The good lesson: Although that is still how my life is, I realized that perhaps I haven’t met my tribe. If I have to change myself to be liked, I’m not around the right people. I’ve always looked in the wrong places.

Work ethic means nothing in today’s world.

The harsh lesson: Personality trumps work ethic, so don’t bother working hard. Be outgoing instead. The world prizes social skills and extroversion. The world doesn’t see the strengths of introverts.

The other thing is, you will work hard and yet the favourites will always get promotions.

One memorable supervisor I had said to me, “If you work your hardest during the day and can say so as your head hits the pillow at night, then it doesn’t matter what other people do or say. You know you did a good job, despite them not doing a good job.”

Truer words were never spoken.

Unfortunately, that work ethic I developed hasn’t led to a promotion.

The good lesson: Have I really shown the world my strengths as an introvert? I automatically assume I can’t get anywhere without being outgoing. I can learn to use extroverted qualities…just like extroverts could (and should) learn to be more introverted at times. And I should never regret having the work ethic.

Being different is a bad thing.

The harsh lesson: I dared to be different my whole life. And I was bullied for it. Society tells you to be yourself. I was myself. I wasn’t very much liked in my younger days.

The good lesson: Was I really being myself when I was young? Did I show the world my true self? Maybe I lacked the courage to completely be my unique self, and because I was holding back, no one got to know the real me. And so they didn’t like what I portrayed to the world.

Not everyone has what it takes to succeed.

The harsh lesson: People can work hard and get nowhere.

The good lesson: Do people really work hard to get somewhere? Or are they settling into a life of mediocrity? Perhaps they’re not doing the right thing to become successful. Maybe I’m not doing the right things to get ahead.

You can’t trust people.

The harsh lesson: Words can be lies, but actions tell the truth. I learned quickly that I can’t trust people. They will take whatever information they can and throw me under the bus.

The good lesson: There are people to be trusted out there. I just haven’t found them. And perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places. I should keep myself more guarded until I know for sure they can be trusted. People are generally good. They just don’t need to know everything. Also, I can learn how to pay more attention to a person’s actions instead of relying on their words.

Doing everything other people want you to do will keep them happy and on your side.

The harsh lesson: I was in a relationship where I could keep the peace as long as I did what he wanted me to do. I have also held jobs where if I did what I was told to do, I would keep them happy. Of course, at a job, you have to do what the higher-ups tell you to do…but in a relationship? I had to be a slave in order to make him happy.

The good lesson: It is often good to do what people want you to do…but without the sacrifice of yourself in the process. It is OK to say no if it doesn’t feel right. If they don’t understand, then perhaps you should get yourself out of the situation. Maybe they’re not the right person to hang out with.

Do your best. It will never be good enough.

The harsh lesson: I would do my best and it was never good enough for anyone. At school, in each of my jobs, in my past relationship…nothing was ever good enough.

The good lesson: Was I really always doing my best? Do I even know what my best was? I live a half-assed life. Or maybe I’m just in the wrong situations. Maybe I didn’t find the job right for me. I know I didn’t find the right relationship with my ex.

People will find fault no matter what.

The harsh lesson: I had supervisors and an ex who found fault with everything I did. I would work harder to not make the same mistake…but there would always be a new mistake they found.

The good lesson: I just learned to work harder than ever. If they still find fault, that’s on them. I did the best I could. And I continue to learn from my mistakes. As long as you keep learning, you will keep moving forward.

Take all unsolicited advice whether it’s best for your situation or not.

The harsh lesson: I went through a rough situation dealing with an emotionally abusive ex. I got all kinds of unsolicited advice from people who thought they knew everything about my situation but barely knew anything. They got angry with me if I didn’t follow their advice. When I ignored them because it wasn’t best for my situation (since I knew my situation better than anyone), these people started to drop out of my life like flies. It hurt. I don’t want to lose people who are important to me…but what could I do?

The good lesson: Maybe it was best to set those boundaries and not take advice that didn’t work for my situation. Maybe it was best to distance myself from these people. It was better for my mental health in the long run. Take advice if it’s right for your life, and leave the rest.

If you want to get anywhere in life you have to know people.

The harsh lesson: I’ve learned that work ethic will get you nowhere if you don’t know the right people.

The good lesson: Instead of worrying about who you don’t know…go out and get to know people. This is difficult for me, but doable.

We are all alone. No one cares if you’re upset.

The harsh lesson: It’s hard to go through things when you’re alone and feel like you have nobody. If you try to reach out, you will still be alone.

The good lesson: You have to reach out to the right people. Be discerning with who you talk to and share with. The right people are out there.

People won’t respect your boundaries believing they know what’s best for you despite not living your life.

The harsh lesson: People will keep testing your limits. They won’t care about your boundaries. They will continue to tell you what to do in your life and go off on you if you do something contrary, despite not knowing the whole story of your life and what you’re going through.

The good lesson: It’s OK to set boundaries. If the boundaries are crossed, it’s OK to distance yourself from them. Other people don’t know your situation completely. And you don’t have to tell them everything. Tell them what you’re comfortable with. Allow them to give you advice. But it’s up to you if you want to take said advice.

Be a yes person. Please everyone else first. Put yourself last.

The harsh lesson: If you don’t please others, they will dislike you. If you don’t bend over backwards for other people, then they will go find someone else who will.

The good lesson: You can’t be good for anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. If people just want you around because of what you do for them, that’s on them. Not you. Don’t be around those kinds of people.

Double standards exist everywhere.

The harsh lesson: You’ll see people at your workplace get away with something that you would get in trouble for. There are people who expect one thing from you, but they themselves will do another.

The good lesson: Is there a good lesson here? Double standards do indeed exist everywhere. All we can do is live with it and try to navigate through it and around it. There’s really nothing you can do about it.

It’s not OK to disagree and have your own opinions. You must think and behave like the masses.

The harsh lesson: If you disagree, expect people to not like you. That’s the harsh reality of today’s society.

The good lesson: You’re hanging out with the wrong people. People out there do exist that can have a healthy debate or exchange of ideas without turning against you.

People will believe what they want to believe.

The harsh lesson: No matter what you do or say, people will believe what they want to believe about you. Gossip can go around and a lot of people will believe it.

The good lesson: You know through experience not to spread gossip. Even if you know something is true, it’s still not right to spread it around. If someone said you did something, but you know in your heart you didn’t do it, that’s all that matters. Who cares what other people think? A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. You can’t change what they think. Let them believe what they want to believe. People with integrity expect to be believed. When they aren’t, they let time prove them right.

If you’re at the lowest level in your job, you have nothing meaningful to share with the higher-ups and they know more than you in every situation. You have nothing to contribute.

The harsh lesson: No one will listen to the person at the bottom of the ladder.

The good lesson: You have a lot to contribute, even if the higher ups don’t recognize it.

Conclusion

And there you have it. The harsh lessons I have learned over the last little while. I hope you enjoyed the read, and if you can relate, let me know your story in the comments! Also be sure to subscribe to my newsletter!

Be awesome and may your life be passionate!