Kelly Klein*Please note: This has been written in the summer of 2021, but I still want to share it. This is one of those posts where I get real and personal.
I was in a relationship for 16 years with the wrong person for me. When I finally realized it and left, I had a lot of questions run through my mind. Maybe you are going through the same situation and feeling the same way as I did.
- Will I ever be able to live on my own?
- Will I ever make money doing what I love?
- Will I ever be able to pass my road test?
- Will I ever find the man that is right for me?
- Will I ever be fit again?
- Will I ever be comfortable with people?
- Will I ever be able to travel the world on my own?
- Will I ever get over my old life?
- Will I ever be easy to live with?
- Will I ever be good enough?
As you can see, I had a lot of doubts in my mind. I wasnāt independent. I could do some things on my own, but I relied on my boyfriend for a lot of things. I was a homemaker and took care of our son as well as homeschooled him. I didnāt have access to any money, and even though I was in my 40s, I didnāt have my driverās licence.
I know I should have left earlier but I didnāt think I could do it on my own. I had been so dependent and isolated for so long, I didnāt know if I could do it. But I didnāt want to live an unhappy life for the rest of my days.
I had goals and dreams, but not the confidence to achieve them. I was made to feel \guilty for wanting more for myself. Yet, I couldnāt let go. I couldnāt let go of my relationship, and I couldnāt let go of my dreams. They couldnāt exist together. The right relationship could have co-existed with my goals.
So I left the big city and moved two and a half hours away, to a small town. I was very familiar with the town because I had family in the area and went there a lot as a child. Things were slower and I loved the tranquility. People were kind wherever I went, instead of always rushing around, not having time for a good word or a smile. There is a lot of nature around me ā the house is between a mountain and the ocean. There are a lot of animals ā rabbits in the yard, deer on the trails, occasionally coyotes howling in the distance. It couldnāt get better than this. This is where I belong.
Since I left, both my son and I are doing better. We both have things to overcome. He left the only life he knew, but heās a trooper. We will get through this, he and I.
When I moved, I was living with family for a while. I felt like I wasnāt changing quickly enough. I know I didnāt deserve the treatment I got in my relationship, but I also realized I could become a better person to attract the right man. I tried to tell myself that I have just left a bad situation and that it takes time. It was 16 years of my life!
I had a lot of self-esteem and depression and anxiety to get over before I can move on. At least it felt that way. My ex acted like Iām the dirt beneath his shoe, and I couldnāt let go of that feeling. That feeling of not being good enough. Smart enough. Pretty enough. Skinny enough. I always felt like I fell short. It was an inner battle that I was dealing with for a long time.
Iām often sad about being single. Everyone around me is paired off. Everyone has someone, but I am all alone. I know I donāt NEED a man to be happy, but I donāt want to be alone for the rest of my life. Having a relationship makes life sweeter…or so I hear. Canāt say Iāve had that experience. Being single, quite frankly, sucks. I have no one to go on dates with, or who hugs me when Iām feeling down, or to share happy times and laughter with, or go on road trips with. Iām the odd one out everywhere I go.
I just want to know what itās like to be loved…because I never felt that with the one boyfriend I ever had. No one has ever expressed any interest in me, but Iāve always had crushes. Iāve never been noticed, or catcalled. I thought I wasnāt marriage material. I knew that I could work to change myself, but I wish people would like the real me…and that I only have to improve upon whatās already here, inside me.
I feel like I have to be a whole different person for people to actually like me, let alone have a man fall in love with me. And I write romance novels! Good thing I have an awesome imagination, because I have no real life experience in the area of romance!
I know that before I am ready for another relationship, I need to change some things in my life. I need to be more independent, have my licence, a better mindset, be more fit, making my own money…
I tried so hard to be positive, but I just needed an outlet for the pain I experienced. I hope one day to know what itās like to have things going well (Iāve been working so hard to improve my life!) I know I have to work for it, but do I have what it takes? Do I have the strength and courage to carry on? I hope that like the cowardly lion I learn I have courage during the journey.
I have chosen a difficult path: Creativity, becoming a self-published author, and entrepreneurship. Behind the scenes, Iāve been working hard on it. I know it doesnāt look like it from the outside, but I hope one day it will be evident just how hard Iāve been working. With the creative arts, thereās a lot of work before any reward. Itās not like a job where you work for an hour, get paid for an hour (nothing wrong with that; itās just not my path). I hope one day I can earn my freedom. So fortunate to live in a country that allows anyone to have the opportunity to venture into entrepreneurship.
Thanks for reading. I sometimes like to share my story because thatās what I do, as a writer. I love to write, and I love to share what I write. Eventually I will write a memoir, but only if I ever get to the other side of this crazy journey…because whatās a memoir without the victory?
Iām still motivated to live my best life. Donāt know how Iāll ever get there. I hope tomorrow is different feeling-wise and that Iām feeling up.
I hope that in sharing my story I can show you that whatever youāre going through, youāre not alone. Many people go through similar things. As I write this, I still have occasional feelings of doubt. But I press on. And you can too.
Be awesome and may your life be passionate!
*UPDATE, 6/27/22: Still working hard, not moving forward as quickly as Iād like, but Iām venturing in the right direction. Iāve been very busy. I want to be able to get to a point where I can celebrate a victory, and help others through my experiences and writing. I have a deadline coming up ā finish the rewrites of my trilogy by June 30. I bit off a bit more than I could chew, so I have to revise it to finish rewrites of book 1 by 6/30/22 at 23:59. Iām on track for that. If I can do this, and go through all this…if I can do things to move towards my dreams, then I believe deep within my soul that anyone can do it. No matter where you are in your life…no matter where you came from…no matter your financial situation…no matter your education…no matter anything…you can do this too. Because if you canāt, then thereās no hope for me either. I have battled low confidence, but never lost belief that one day I would get there, and if I can, then anyone can. Go visit my webpage and download a free ebook! So thanks for reading, the support is always appreciated ā you are all awesome! <3
*photo is of the famous Peggyās Cove Lighthouse, Nova Scotia. It guides people in much the same way as we all have the ability to guide others ā we can all help people because we are further along the path than some people, just like there are people further ahead who can be our lighthouse
